Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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