We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
a search helicopter?!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
