thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
