You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
