Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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