I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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