sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
