pop tarts are not kleenex
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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