I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
