We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
