Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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