Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
