Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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