im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
