I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
