it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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