so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
