the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
