How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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