First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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