i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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