What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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