dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
