I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
