he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
