I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
