In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
