Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
