birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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