dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
