haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
