I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
