Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
