I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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