So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize