This is not my ceiling
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
