Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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