If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He shit in the fireplace
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
