yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
