Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
