it hurts more in the daytime
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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