im six kinds of drunk right now
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
