Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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