Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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