I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
