I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
