were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
