tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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