i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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