OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
