I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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