OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
