I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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