...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
