Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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