Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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