I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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