question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
