last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
