I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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